I have recently been encountering situations whereby people, mostly family members discourage my dreams and desires.
I am proud to say that I am a big dreamer and I desire many things but what I am not is someone who only dreams. I work towards my dreams and desires and strive to make them a reality. My main goal right now is to do international traveling. The only thing holding me back is money. I am not from a wealthy family where I can use and abuse family financials. So my next option is to successfully save any monies I receive until it add ups to the required amount.
I expected people to be happy that I have the courage to save 500 at a time, that I have the strength to save and not spend but every time I put my money away they laugh at me, saying that it's a long shot and I will never reach my goal. What they don't know is that so many peoples goals were achieved by starting this small, all they needed was courage and perseverance and that is what I have. I recently read Richard Branson's autobiography and it motivated me so much that I felt like I was able to do anything I wanted in life.
I believe that I will achieve what I want in life. No one can stop me. Not my parents. Not my family. If traveling is what I want to do then I shall do it. Allah created this world for us to see it so why waste that chance and stay in one place your entire life.
Tuesday, December 11, 2012
Wednesday, November 21, 2012
The unknown
Today I shall be meeting with a well established actuary. As I am broke and in need of a job to save up for future travel plans I have decided to use some of the contacts at my disposal. I was able to score a sit-down with a friend of an uncle (lol) who might have a possible job opportunity for me. But I feel a bit anxious, I am supposed to go and speak to him about myself, where I see myself, and also, about how serious I am with regards to my chosen career path.
But you see, I am currently studying B.Acc Sci in financial accounting which will lead me into a career of a Chartered Accountant but I am not so sure that's what I want to do anymore. Now I know there are lots of other job opportunities that can be exploited with this degree but I still don't know exactly what I want to do in the end. Basically I cant decide now, as it's too early for that and I have no first hand experience in any of the related fields, so how do I speak to someone about my life if it's like a bizarre unknown factor even to me?!
I feel so unsure. Like I have nothing figured out and I am just going by every day with no specific reason. It is like I am afraid that I will not be a success after all this studying is over. I hate feeling clueless, I need to be in control of my life and my career.
I will never know the unknown.
Until the day comes for me to face it.
But you see, I am currently studying B.Acc Sci in financial accounting which will lead me into a career of a Chartered Accountant but I am not so sure that's what I want to do anymore. Now I know there are lots of other job opportunities that can be exploited with this degree but I still don't know exactly what I want to do in the end. Basically I cant decide now, as it's too early for that and I have no first hand experience in any of the related fields, so how do I speak to someone about my life if it's like a bizarre unknown factor even to me?!
I feel so unsure. Like I have nothing figured out and I am just going by every day with no specific reason. It is like I am afraid that I will not be a success after all this studying is over. I hate feeling clueless, I need to be in control of my life and my career.
I will never know the unknown.
Until the day comes for me to face it.
Monday, November 12, 2012
Resentment
This past weekend has been miserable for me. All I did was fake smile and fight back tears. At times people could see my anger, they could see my pain. I denied it all and put up that fake wall.
My younger sister has brought home a friend, a boy. This is the first time she has done this and everyone is a little surprised because she has always been somewhat of a tomboy. I met him first. His nice and decent and there's not much wrong with him. The day I met him, so did my parents. And to my surprise both my parents were chilled about it. At first I thought, well they wont reprimand her in front of him so they"ll do it when he's gone. But no, they leave her alone with the boy at home, obviously I was home too, and they decide to go and tell the entire family about this 'lovely boy' who came to visit for more than 5 hours. Like what friend visits so long?! Must be more than friends right?!
What bugs me the most is not the fact that she has a 'friend' before me, but the act that my mom and dad is SO chilled about it! especially my mom! when I think about it, I just want to cry! My sister is only in grade 11. When I was exactly her age and had a friend my mom literally made me promise to end it! I had to stop something that made me happy, something I looked forward to, something that I loved, all because she did not like that something and because she said I was young and she made as if I was naive and not mature to handle it. I was not going to marry the guy, I was hanging out with someone that made me happy and whose company I enjoyed a lot. I am still the person I was a few years ago, so I cant say much has changed, I have always made good and well-thought-out decisions and I have never disappointed my parents or been a disgrace to them.
Now my mom wants me to have a boyfriend. Now when there is no one I am interested and and who is interested in me. Now when I have given up hope on all things male. And my family looks at me with sad faces, like "oh shame, you're so alone and have no one special while your sis is having a good time."
What I would ask my mom is, why do you accept hers so easily? Is she not too young? Is she not immature? doesn't she have to wait until after Matric? And then when Matric is done, doesn't she have to wait until she has finished studying? You did this to me. You made me give up hope. You made me feel rejection over and over. You made me lose confidence. It is because of you that I am afraid, that I push people away, that I am a loner, that I cant express myself and I cry at night just to let out my frustrations without anyone seeing!
But I will let go.
My younger sister has brought home a friend, a boy. This is the first time she has done this and everyone is a little surprised because she has always been somewhat of a tomboy. I met him first. His nice and decent and there's not much wrong with him. The day I met him, so did my parents. And to my surprise both my parents were chilled about it. At first I thought, well they wont reprimand her in front of him so they"ll do it when he's gone. But no, they leave her alone with the boy at home, obviously I was home too, and they decide to go and tell the entire family about this 'lovely boy' who came to visit for more than 5 hours. Like what friend visits so long?! Must be more than friends right?!
What bugs me the most is not the fact that she has a 'friend' before me, but the act that my mom and dad is SO chilled about it! especially my mom! when I think about it, I just want to cry! My sister is only in grade 11. When I was exactly her age and had a friend my mom literally made me promise to end it! I had to stop something that made me happy, something I looked forward to, something that I loved, all because she did not like that something and because she said I was young and she made as if I was naive and not mature to handle it. I was not going to marry the guy, I was hanging out with someone that made me happy and whose company I enjoyed a lot. I am still the person I was a few years ago, so I cant say much has changed, I have always made good and well-thought-out decisions and I have never disappointed my parents or been a disgrace to them.
Now my mom wants me to have a boyfriend. Now when there is no one I am interested and and who is interested in me. Now when I have given up hope on all things male. And my family looks at me with sad faces, like "oh shame, you're so alone and have no one special while your sis is having a good time."
What I would ask my mom is, why do you accept hers so easily? Is she not too young? Is she not immature? doesn't she have to wait until after Matric? And then when Matric is done, doesn't she have to wait until she has finished studying? You did this to me. You made me give up hope. You made me feel rejection over and over. You made me lose confidence. It is because of you that I am afraid, that I push people away, that I am a loner, that I cant express myself and I cry at night just to let out my frustrations without anyone seeing!
But I will let go.
Tuesday, October 30, 2012
Going down memory lane of Mr Straight Peaked
Recently my mind has been on full blown day-dream mode. And this while I'm in the midst of my final exam! Every passerby with a straight-peak cap on, makes me think of him.
The first time I laid eyes on him was in grade 2 at my primary school. Abdullah and him were new to our school and were introduced to our class. That year we were all in Mrs. Tape's class. My cousin soon became friends' with him and that's how we got to know each other. In the next few years, the three of us would walk home together because he lived in the same road which my aunt lived. They were like my two brothers that I never had. I enjoyed their company a lot. Like when I was with them, nothing mattered and I felt safe with them. In grade 5 my family moved from Mitchell's Plain to Surrey Estate. Surrey Estate being the area in which Imraan lived, and the area my school was situated in and more so, my close friend, Asheeqah. Yet when I moved in, Imraan was the first to come to the house, raw and all! I will never forget that day, him and Yusriy (my cousin) came, and the three of us walked down to Asheeqah, fetched her to come and study at my oh so raw house which we ended up not doing anyway! There were quite a few afternoons spent at my house. Some weekend afternoons maybe too. I think I was like one of the boys because I did most of the things they would do and I even played Play Station with them. The time Play Station 1 was still the bomb! LOL
I guess it was after grade 6 when everything changed. In December 2002 I went on Pilgrimage and when I came back everything seemed different to me. I came back and school had already started. Everyone stared as though it was the first time they saw me. I felt out of place. And when I finally got comfortable again, I realized that a lot of my surroundings has changed, in merely 3 months that I was gone. We were (with the exclusion of myself) in that stage were things like the opposite sex, and looks, and clothes mattered. It mattered, but it didn't matter to me. That is just how I've always been! My cousin was into girls, Imraan was into girls and there I was, lonely girl, shoved away like a piece of under-cooked meat. Even though I had girl friends to hang out with, I felt down because the two boys that I loved hanging out with, were occupied with other things.
It was this time in my life, that I realized that I actually had a crush on Imraan. I know it seems weird because I regarded him as my brother, but that was how I felt. We were still friends, but not as it used to be. And I could not tell him how I felt, mainly because I was extremely shy and I could never express my feelings, but also because I did not know what to expect. Rejection was going to be so embarrassing! So I decided not to say anything and ended up hating on every girlfriend he dated.
When high school started, we went separate ways. I went to Rylands High and he Bishops Dicosean. Contact was lost for almost 6 years with the occasional bump-in at a mall or Surrey Primary School carnival. It wasn't until 2011 when we properly reconnected. Things were going good with me. I had finally overcome my big crush over him. I found myself chatting to him as though he were just another close friend of mine. As though I never ever had a crush on him before.
BUT I thought too quickly! This year, or more like 3 months ago, I started developing feeling for him AGAIN! :( .. I did not want this to happen at all! We were getting along so well and these feelings will just come and mess things up! I tried so hard to shake it away but I cant. I find myself thinking of him every day now and when I'm chatting to him it makes me smile. Like I'm happy! and honestly I haven't been this happy since the beginning of 2011!! Which is SO long! And I don't know what to do, because my mind is saying "leave this alone" and my heart is saying "give it a go".
...its so complicated...
The first time I laid eyes on him was in grade 2 at my primary school. Abdullah and him were new to our school and were introduced to our class. That year we were all in Mrs. Tape's class. My cousin soon became friends' with him and that's how we got to know each other. In the next few years, the three of us would walk home together because he lived in the same road which my aunt lived. They were like my two brothers that I never had. I enjoyed their company a lot. Like when I was with them, nothing mattered and I felt safe with them. In grade 5 my family moved from Mitchell's Plain to Surrey Estate. Surrey Estate being the area in which Imraan lived, and the area my school was situated in and more so, my close friend, Asheeqah. Yet when I moved in, Imraan was the first to come to the house, raw and all! I will never forget that day, him and Yusriy (my cousin) came, and the three of us walked down to Asheeqah, fetched her to come and study at my oh so raw house which we ended up not doing anyway! There were quite a few afternoons spent at my house. Some weekend afternoons maybe too. I think I was like one of the boys because I did most of the things they would do and I even played Play Station with them. The time Play Station 1 was still the bomb! LOL
I guess it was after grade 6 when everything changed. In December 2002 I went on Pilgrimage and when I came back everything seemed different to me. I came back and school had already started. Everyone stared as though it was the first time they saw me. I felt out of place. And when I finally got comfortable again, I realized that a lot of my surroundings has changed, in merely 3 months that I was gone. We were (with the exclusion of myself) in that stage were things like the opposite sex, and looks, and clothes mattered. It mattered, but it didn't matter to me. That is just how I've always been! My cousin was into girls, Imraan was into girls and there I was, lonely girl, shoved away like a piece of under-cooked meat. Even though I had girl friends to hang out with, I felt down because the two boys that I loved hanging out with, were occupied with other things.
It was this time in my life, that I realized that I actually had a crush on Imraan. I know it seems weird because I regarded him as my brother, but that was how I felt. We were still friends, but not as it used to be. And I could not tell him how I felt, mainly because I was extremely shy and I could never express my feelings, but also because I did not know what to expect. Rejection was going to be so embarrassing! So I decided not to say anything and ended up hating on every girlfriend he dated.
When high school started, we went separate ways. I went to Rylands High and he Bishops Dicosean. Contact was lost for almost 6 years with the occasional bump-in at a mall or Surrey Primary School carnival. It wasn't until 2011 when we properly reconnected. Things were going good with me. I had finally overcome my big crush over him. I found myself chatting to him as though he were just another close friend of mine. As though I never ever had a crush on him before.
BUT I thought too quickly! This year, or more like 3 months ago, I started developing feeling for him AGAIN! :( .. I did not want this to happen at all! We were getting along so well and these feelings will just come and mess things up! I tried so hard to shake it away but I cant. I find myself thinking of him every day now and when I'm chatting to him it makes me smile. Like I'm happy! and honestly I haven't been this happy since the beginning of 2011!! Which is SO long! And I don't know what to do, because my mind is saying "leave this alone" and my heart is saying "give it a go".
...its so complicated...
Wednesday, September 19, 2012
Do I move on and forget, or continue and hope?
I recently had a few encounters with an old friend. Lets just say that long ago, I had THE biggest crush on him. That even my best friend tells me that she cant believe that my feelings for him could fade. Now, a few weeks ago, I knew deep down that this was a dangerous thing, I knew that I would easily fall for his charms again, and I did! At the beginning I told myself that I cannot fall for him, whatsoever! Yet, now I cant stop thinking about him. The smallest thing reminds me of him, and I don't want this, or that's what I'm forcing myself to believe.
The thing is that I know that if I continue with this, I will just be more hurt in the end. More damage to my already damaged heart. By now you'd think that my heart will be able to handle situations like these, after being rejected by my true love, but it can't. All it does is just make me despondent towards opening up to the next guy that comes along. And its bad, because now I am left scared and I push guys away.
I am so confused. I don't know what to do?? If only there was a manual for situations like these! It would make life so much easier. My mind is saying don't and my heart is saying go. And I'm stuck between the two arguing with very valid points :(
love sucks!
xx
The thing is that I know that if I continue with this, I will just be more hurt in the end. More damage to my already damaged heart. By now you'd think that my heart will be able to handle situations like these, after being rejected by my true love, but it can't. All it does is just make me despondent towards opening up to the next guy that comes along. And its bad, because now I am left scared and I push guys away.
I am so confused. I don't know what to do?? If only there was a manual for situations like these! It would make life so much easier. My mind is saying don't and my heart is saying go. And I'm stuck between the two arguing with very valid points :(
love sucks!
xx
Saturday, September 8, 2012
life's omission's
Lately I have been very down inside. I have trained myself so well to always keep smiling that nowadays not even my own family members know when I'm feeling down. I could say this feeling has been coming on for weeks but I would be lying, it's coming on for months. Every time I will force myself to feel happy and move on, but its taken its toll, and needs to get off my chest and written down. I cannot find the proper words, let alone form a sentence, to correctly describe how I feel. If I think about having to say it aloud, makes me feel crazy. So here it goes: I need someone in my life.
I don't want you to get the wrong idea. I feel like now is the time to have someone in my life. I went through high school and half of varsity without anyone serious and usually ending it because my family was never ready and I was too afraid to let them know because I was afraid to disappoint them, that I feel like now is the right time to start getting what I want.
I look around me, and all I see is happy people. On the outside I am smiling and laughing with them, but on he inside my mind and soul looks in from a distance. Take for example tonight, we had a family evening and everyone is on their own buzz, the kids are playing games; the big people chatting about the rugby game we watched; some cousins sitting and talking, and there I was: looking in and watching them. My mind was in another place.
It's not that I want something serious. I just want someone there that I can have alone time with, that I can break away with, that can be there for me. I know some people, especially my family, would argue that they are there for me and that's why I have best friends and so on and so on. But sometimes I just need more than that. I want someone that I can get to know, I want someone that I can go out with, away from the usual faces that I am always seeing. Sometimes we just need more.
I do hope that when I wake up tomorrow morning, I will feel much better. And if I don't then I will have to make another plan to get myself back on track once again!
I don't want you to get the wrong idea. I feel like now is the time to have someone in my life. I went through high school and half of varsity without anyone serious and usually ending it because my family was never ready and I was too afraid to let them know because I was afraid to disappoint them, that I feel like now is the right time to start getting what I want.
I look around me, and all I see is happy people. On the outside I am smiling and laughing with them, but on he inside my mind and soul looks in from a distance. Take for example tonight, we had a family evening and everyone is on their own buzz, the kids are playing games; the big people chatting about the rugby game we watched; some cousins sitting and talking, and there I was: looking in and watching them. My mind was in another place.
It's not that I want something serious. I just want someone there that I can have alone time with, that I can break away with, that can be there for me. I know some people, especially my family, would argue that they are there for me and that's why I have best friends and so on and so on. But sometimes I just need more than that. I want someone that I can get to know, I want someone that I can go out with, away from the usual faces that I am always seeing. Sometimes we just need more.
I do hope that when I wake up tomorrow morning, I will feel much better. And if I don't then I will have to make another plan to get myself back on track once again!
Sunday, August 26, 2012
Paris 2014??
Last night my friend, Alia, and I made a pact to save up enough money so that we can head to Paris!! We would prefer going next year, however, these trips are costly and 2013 is SO close! Thus I think we should either do it end of 2013 or in 2014 :)...#Excitedness
Suddenly my day seems brighter, because I have something to look forward to! Ahh! I am so hungry for this adventure, that I think I need to find me a proper job so that my saving could go faster! But more so, planning a trip like this with my friends is going to be awesome!! We could explore a foreign city on our own! no parental supervision as I will be long over 21 by that time :)
Crazy me, decided to do some research on flights, accommodation and tours! Flights from Cape Town is from R8500, and I also discovered that booking a tour will be much cheaper as tours includes accommodation and other little things, and tour prices starts at R4000.
I really want to do this! Somehow I need to start living my life and what better way to start with Paris!!!
xoxo
Suddenly my day seems brighter, because I have something to look forward to! Ahh! I am so hungry for this adventure, that I think I need to find me a proper job so that my saving could go faster! But more so, planning a trip like this with my friends is going to be awesome!! We could explore a foreign city on our own! no parental supervision as I will be long over 21 by that time :)
Crazy me, decided to do some research on flights, accommodation and tours! Flights from Cape Town is from R8500, and I also discovered that booking a tour will be much cheaper as tours includes accommodation and other little things, and tour prices starts at R4000.
I really want to do this! Somehow I need to start living my life and what better way to start with Paris!!!
xoxo
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)