life's omission's

Lately I have been very down inside. I have trained myself so well to always keep smiling that nowadays not even my own family members know when I'm feeling down. I could say this feeling has been coming on for weeks but I would be lying, it's coming on for months. Every time I will force myself to feel happy and move on, but its taken its toll, and needs to get off my chest and written down. I cannot find the proper words, let alone form a sentence, to correctly describe how I feel. If I think about having to say it aloud, makes me feel crazy. So here it goes: I need someone in my life.

I don't want you to get the wrong idea. I feel like now is the time to have someone in my life. I went through high school and half of varsity without anyone serious and usually ending it because my family was never ready and I was too afraid to let them know because I was afraid to disappoint them, that I feel like now is the right time to start getting what I want.

I look around me, and all I see is happy people. On the outside I am smiling and laughing with them, but on he inside my mind and soul looks in from a distance. Take for example tonight, we had a family evening and everyone is on their own buzz, the kids are playing games; the big people chatting about the rugby game we watched; some cousins sitting and talking, and there I was: looking in and watching them. My mind was in another place.

It's not that I want something serious. I just want someone there that I can have alone time with, that I can break away with, that can be there for me. I know some people, especially my family, would argue that they are there for me and that's why I have best friends and so on and so on. But sometimes I just need more than that. I want someone that I can get to know, I want someone that I can go out with, away from the usual faces that I am always seeing. Sometimes we just need more.

I do hope that when I wake up tomorrow morning, I will feel much better. And if I don't then I will have to make another plan to get myself back on track once again!