Resentment

This past weekend has been miserable for me. All I did was fake smile and fight back tears. At times people could see my anger, they could see my pain. I denied it all and put up that fake wall.

My younger sister has brought home a friend, a boy. This is the first time she has done this and everyone is a little surprised because she has always been somewhat of a tomboy. I met him first. His nice and decent and there's not much wrong with him. The day I met him, so did my parents. And to my surprise both my parents were chilled about it. At first I thought, well they wont reprimand her in front of him so they"ll do it when he's gone. But no, they leave her alone with the boy at home, obviously I was home too, and they decide to go and tell the entire family about this 'lovely boy' who came to visit for more than 5 hours. Like what friend visits so long?! Must be more than friends right?!

What bugs me the most is not the fact that she has a 'friend' before me, but the act that my mom and dad is SO chilled about it! especially my mom! when I think about it, I just want to cry! My sister is only in grade 11. When I was exactly her age and had a friend my mom literally made me promise to end it! I had to stop something that made me happy, something I looked forward to, something that I loved, all because she did not like that something and because she said I was young and she made as if I was naive and not mature to handle it. I was not going to marry the guy, I was hanging out with someone that made me happy and whose company I enjoyed a lot. I am still the person I was a few years ago, so I cant say much has changed, I have always made good and well-thought-out decisions and I have never disappointed my parents or been a disgrace to them.

Now my mom wants me to have a boyfriend. Now when there is no one I am interested and and who is interested in me. Now when I have given up hope on all things male. And my family looks at me with sad faces, like "oh shame, you're so alone and have no one special while your sis is having a good time."

What I would ask my mom is, why do you accept hers so easily? Is she not too young? Is she not immature? doesn't she have to wait until after Matric? And then when Matric is done, doesn't she have to wait until she has finished studying? You did this to me. You made me give up hope. You made me feel rejection over and over. You made me lose confidence. It is because of you that I am afraid, that I push people away, that I am a loner, that I cant express myself and I cry at night just to let out my frustrations without anyone seeing!

But I will let go.