Recently my mind has been on full blown day-dream mode. And this while I'm in the midst of my final exam! Every passerby with a straight-peak cap on, makes me think of him.
The first time I laid eyes on him was in grade 2 at my primary school. Abdullah and him were new to our school and were introduced to our class. That year we were all in Mrs. Tape's class. My cousin soon became friends' with him and that's how we got to know each other. In the next few years, the three of us would walk home together because he lived in the same road which my aunt lived. They were like my two brothers that I never had. I enjoyed their company a lot. Like when I was with them, nothing mattered and I felt safe with them. In grade 5 my family moved from Mitchell's Plain to Surrey Estate. Surrey Estate being the area in which Imraan lived, and the area my school was situated in and more so, my close friend, Asheeqah. Yet when I moved in, Imraan was the first to come to the house, raw and all! I will never forget that day, him and Yusriy (my cousin) came, and the three of us walked down to Asheeqah, fetched her to come and study at my oh so raw house which we ended up not doing anyway! There were quite a few afternoons spent at my house. Some weekend afternoons maybe too. I think I was like one of the boys because I did most of the things they would do and I even played Play Station with them. The time Play Station 1 was still the bomb! LOL
I guess it was after grade 6 when everything changed. In December 2002 I went on Pilgrimage and when I came back everything seemed different to me. I came back and school had already started. Everyone stared as though it was the first time they saw me. I felt out of place. And when I finally got comfortable again, I realized that a lot of my surroundings has changed, in merely 3 months that I was gone. We were (with the exclusion of myself) in that stage were things like the opposite sex, and looks, and clothes mattered. It mattered, but it didn't matter to me. That is just how I've always been! My cousin was into girls, Imraan was into girls and there I was, lonely girl, shoved away like a piece of under-cooked meat. Even though I had girl friends to hang out with, I felt down because the two boys that I loved hanging out with, were occupied with other things.
It was this time in my life, that I realized that I actually had a crush on Imraan. I know it seems weird because I regarded him as my brother, but that was how I felt. We were still friends, but not as it used to be. And I could not tell him how I felt, mainly because I was extremely shy and I could never express my feelings, but also because I did not know what to expect. Rejection was going to be so embarrassing! So I decided not to say anything and ended up hating on every girlfriend he dated.
When high school started, we went separate ways. I went to Rylands High and he Bishops Dicosean. Contact was lost for almost 6 years with the occasional bump-in at a mall or Surrey Primary School carnival. It wasn't until 2011 when we properly reconnected. Things were going good with me. I had finally overcome my big crush over him. I found myself chatting to him as though he were just another close friend of mine. As though I never ever had a crush on him before.
BUT I thought too quickly! This year, or more like 3 months ago, I started developing feeling for him AGAIN! :( .. I did not want this to happen at all! We were getting along so well and these feelings will just come and mess things up! I tried so hard to shake it away but I cant. I find myself thinking of him every day now and when I'm chatting to him it makes me smile. Like I'm happy! and honestly I haven't been this happy since the beginning of 2011!! Which is SO long! And I don't know what to do, because my mind is saying "leave this alone" and my heart is saying "give it a go".
...its so complicated...
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