Negativity is such a buzz kill !

What gets me through this world is my love for my religion, my friends and family and my dreams. I feel that if I believe hard enough and strive towards my dreams it will come through.

Unfortunately for me, I live in a household and have a family where tough times have been surrounding them most their life. It's like they just accept that nothing will come, because nothing has come. But it's not like they put much effort into making things happen?? I mean does your dream really just happen?

I've blogged so many times about travel, that of cause its a given that it is MY dream. I know that I don't have the luxuries that many others have, but I KNOW that if I save and keep strong and wait then my time will come. So I like keeping up to date with newest go-to places and cultures around the world. I literally watch Travel Channel and Food Network all day. It just fascinates me how wonderful and vastly different each corner of this world is. And one day I might be able to explore it myself without having to do so through a LCD screen.

But the focal point of this post is that my family is so negative. Like today I try telling my mom about this awesome deal a friend of mine scored for just R 4 500 for 9 days doing a Thai Island Hopper Tour. International tours never come that cheap for us. Well it excludes travel ticket but includes food, transport as well and accommodation! Like for instance, my father just booked a weekend away for R 4 000 just outside the city and that is A nights in you own province! compare the two?? I'd go with the island hopper!! its on a totally different continent and it involves airplanes across the sea! what more can you ask for. Now I did not say I wanted to do the Thailand thing but I was just referring to what a great deal it was and how she, same age as myself, could book it with her parents being on board and supporting her. That's the total opposite of what my family will do, no, instead my sister makes fun of me, making statements about what type of dreamer I am and how I fantasize about things like that.
 
I am fed up with all this negativity around me. instead of encouraging me, they shooting me down. That is why I am so unhappy here. I do so much, strive to be the perfect daughter but they dont give a rats arse about what might make me happy. They don't care to ask me a bout  my dreams and aspirations. Or how I am today. No, I am just good for cleaning their house, fetching their kids, doing everything for them. As long as I can stay here and do that then they are happy!

2013

It's a start of something new.

I hope that my dreams will be fulfilled this year. I hope that I will find my happiness within my academic life as well as social life. My biggest dream for this year is that I end up fulfilling my dream of traveling to Dubai. My friend and I have decided to spend NYE 2014 in Dubai and I truly hope that it happens. Another big goal of mine is fully completing my second year, passing all ten modules, so that i only have one year left before I move off to Dubai permanently.

I believe that I have the courage and ambition to meet all my goals this year. What I need is support from my family and positive feedback and help that will help achieve what is most important in my life right now.

I am happy to say that I feel 2013 shall be a great year for me :)

Dreams and Desires?

I have recently been encountering situations whereby people, mostly family members discourage my dreams and desires.

I am proud to say that I am a big dreamer and I desire many things but what I am not is someone who only dreams. I work towards my dreams and desires and strive to make them a reality.  My main goal right now is to do international traveling. The only thing holding me back is money. I am not from a wealthy family where I can use and abuse family financials. So my next option is to successfully save any monies I receive until it add ups to the required amount.

I expected people to be happy that I have the courage to save 500 at a time, that I have the strength to save and not spend but every time I put my money away they laugh at me, saying that it's a long shot and I will never reach my goal. What they don't know is that so many peoples goals were achieved by starting this small, all they needed was courage and perseverance and that is what I have. I recently read Richard Branson's autobiography and it motivated me so much that I felt like I was able to do anything I wanted in life.

I believe that I will achieve what I want in life. No one can stop me. Not my parents. Not my family. If traveling is what I want to do then I shall do it. Allah created this world for us to see it so why waste that chance and stay in one place your entire life.

The unknown

Today I shall be meeting with a well established actuary. As I am broke and in need of a job to save up for future travel plans I have decided to use some of the contacts at my disposal. I was able to score a sit-down with a friend of an uncle (lol) who might have a possible job opportunity for me. But I feel a bit anxious, I am supposed to go and speak to him about myself, where I see myself, and also, about how serious I am with regards to my chosen career path.

But you see, I am currently studying B.Acc Sci in financial accounting which will lead me into a career of a Chartered Accountant but I am not so sure that's what I want to do anymore. Now I know there are lots of other job opportunities  that can be exploited with this degree but I still don't know exactly what I want to do in the end. Basically I cant decide now, as it's too early for that and I have no first hand experience in any of the related fields, so how do I speak to someone about my life if it's like a bizarre unknown factor even to me?!

I feel so unsure. Like I have nothing figured out and I am just going by every day with no specific reason. It is like I am afraid that I will not be a success after all this studying is over. I hate feeling clueless, I need to be in control of my life and my career.

I will never know the unknown.
Until the day comes for me to face it.

Resentment

This past weekend has been miserable for me. All I did was fake smile and fight back tears. At times people could see my anger, they could see my pain. I denied it all and put up that fake wall.

My younger sister has brought home a friend, a boy. This is the first time she has done this and everyone is a little surprised because she has always been somewhat of a tomboy. I met him first. His nice and decent and there's not much wrong with him. The day I met him, so did my parents. And to my surprise both my parents were chilled about it. At first I thought, well they wont reprimand her in front of him so they"ll do it when he's gone. But no, they leave her alone with the boy at home, obviously I was home too, and they decide to go and tell the entire family about this 'lovely boy' who came to visit for more than 5 hours. Like what friend visits so long?! Must be more than friends right?!

What bugs me the most is not the fact that she has a 'friend' before me, but the act that my mom and dad is SO chilled about it! especially my mom! when I think about it, I just want to cry! My sister is only in grade 11. When I was exactly her age and had a friend my mom literally made me promise to end it! I had to stop something that made me happy, something I looked forward to, something that I loved, all because she did not like that something and because she said I was young and she made as if I was naive and not mature to handle it. I was not going to marry the guy, I was hanging out with someone that made me happy and whose company I enjoyed a lot. I am still the person I was a few years ago, so I cant say much has changed, I have always made good and well-thought-out decisions and I have never disappointed my parents or been a disgrace to them.

Now my mom wants me to have a boyfriend. Now when there is no one I am interested and and who is interested in me. Now when I have given up hope on all things male. And my family looks at me with sad faces, like "oh shame, you're so alone and have no one special while your sis is having a good time."

What I would ask my mom is, why do you accept hers so easily? Is she not too young? Is she not immature? doesn't she have to wait until after Matric? And then when Matric is done, doesn't she have to wait until she has finished studying? You did this to me. You made me give up hope. You made me feel rejection over and over. You made me lose confidence. It is because of you that I am afraid, that I push people away, that I am a loner, that I cant express myself and I cry at night just to let out my frustrations without anyone seeing!

But I will let go.  

Going down memory lane of Mr Straight Peaked

Recently my mind has been on full blown day-dream mode. And this while I'm in the midst of my final exam! Every passerby with a straight-peak cap on, makes me think of him.

The first time I laid eyes on him was in grade 2 at my primary school. Abdullah and him were new to our school and were introduced to our class. That year we were all in Mrs. Tape's class. My cousin soon became friends' with him and that's how we got to know each other. In the next few years, the three of us would walk home together because he lived in the same road which my aunt lived. They were like my two brothers that I never had. I enjoyed their company a lot. Like when I was with them, nothing mattered and I felt safe with them. In grade 5 my family moved from Mitchell's Plain to Surrey Estate. Surrey Estate being the area in which Imraan lived, and the area my school was situated in and more so, my close friend, Asheeqah. Yet when I moved in, Imraan was the first to come to the house, raw and all! I will never forget that day, him and Yusriy (my cousin) came, and the three of us walked down to Asheeqah, fetched her to come and study at my oh so raw house which we ended up not doing anyway! There were quite a few afternoons spent at my house. Some weekend afternoons maybe too. I think I was like one of the boys because I did most of the things they would do and I even played Play Station with them. The time Play Station 1 was still the bomb! LOL

I guess it was after grade 6 when everything changed. In December 2002 I went on Pilgrimage and when I came back everything seemed different to me. I came back and school had already started. Everyone stared as though it was the first time they saw me. I felt out of place. And when I finally got comfortable again, I realized that a lot of my surroundings has changed, in merely 3 months that I was gone. We were (with the exclusion of myself) in that stage were things like the opposite sex, and looks, and clothes mattered. It mattered, but it didn't matter to me. That is just how I've always been! My cousin was into girls, Imraan was into girls and there I was, lonely girl, shoved away like a piece of under-cooked meat. Even though I had girl friends to hang out with, I felt down because the two boys that I loved hanging out with, were occupied with other things.

It was this time in my life, that I realized that I actually had a crush on Imraan. I know it seems weird because  I regarded him as my brother, but that was how I felt. We were still friends, but not as it used to be. And I could not tell him how I felt, mainly because I was extremely shy and I could never express my  feelings, but also because I did not know what to expect. Rejection was going to be so embarrassing! So I decided not to say anything and ended up hating on every girlfriend he dated.

When high school started, we went separate ways. I went to Rylands High and he Bishops Dicosean. Contact was lost for almost 6 years with the occasional bump-in at a mall or Surrey Primary School carnival. It wasn't until 2011 when we properly reconnected. Things were going good with me. I had finally overcome my big crush over him. I found myself chatting to him as though he were just another close friend of mine. As though I never ever had a crush on him before.

BUT I thought too quickly! This year, or more like 3 months ago, I started developing feeling for him AGAIN! :( .. I did not want this to happen at all! We were getting along so well and these feelings will just come and mess things up! I tried so hard to shake it away but I cant. I find myself thinking of him every day now and when I'm chatting to him it makes me smile. Like I'm happy! and honestly I haven't been this happy since the beginning of 2011!! Which is SO long! And I don't know what to do, because my mind is saying "leave this alone" and my heart is saying "give it a go".

...its so complicated...    

Do I move on and forget, or continue and hope?

I recently had a few encounters with an old friend. Lets just say that long ago, I had THE biggest crush on him. That even my best friend tells me that she cant believe that my feelings for him could fade. Now, a few weeks ago, I knew deep down that this was a dangerous thing, I knew that I would easily fall for his charms again, and I did! At the beginning I told myself that I cannot fall for him, whatsoever! Yet, now I cant stop thinking about him. The smallest thing reminds me of him, and I don't want this, or that's what I'm forcing myself to believe.

The thing is that I know that if I continue with this, I will just be more hurt in the end. More damage to my already damaged heart. By now you'd think that my heart will be able to handle situations like these, after being rejected by my true love, but it can't. All it does is just make me despondent towards opening up to the next guy that comes along. And its bad, because now I am left scared and I push guys away.

I am so confused. I don't know what to do?? If only there was a manual for situations like these! It would make life so much easier. My mind is saying don't and my heart is saying go. And I'm stuck between the two arguing with very valid points :(

love sucks!
xx