Do I move on and forget, or continue and hope?

I recently had a few encounters with an old friend. Lets just say that long ago, I had THE biggest crush on him. That even my best friend tells me that she cant believe that my feelings for him could fade. Now, a few weeks ago, I knew deep down that this was a dangerous thing, I knew that I would easily fall for his charms again, and I did! At the beginning I told myself that I cannot fall for him, whatsoever! Yet, now I cant stop thinking about him. The smallest thing reminds me of him, and I don't want this, or that's what I'm forcing myself to believe.

The thing is that I know that if I continue with this, I will just be more hurt in the end. More damage to my already damaged heart. By now you'd think that my heart will be able to handle situations like these, after being rejected by my true love, but it can't. All it does is just make me despondent towards opening up to the next guy that comes along. And its bad, because now I am left scared and I push guys away.

I am so confused. I don't know what to do?? If only there was a manual for situations like these! It would make life so much easier. My mind is saying don't and my heart is saying go. And I'm stuck between the two arguing with very valid points :(

love sucks!
xx

life's omission's

Lately I have been very down inside. I have trained myself so well to always keep smiling that nowadays not even my own family members know when I'm feeling down. I could say this feeling has been coming on for weeks but I would be lying, it's coming on for months. Every time I will force myself to feel happy and move on, but its taken its toll, and needs to get off my chest and written down. I cannot find the proper words, let alone form a sentence, to correctly describe how I feel. If I think about having to say it aloud, makes me feel crazy. So here it goes: I need someone in my life.

I don't want you to get the wrong idea. I feel like now is the time to have someone in my life. I went through high school and half of varsity without anyone serious and usually ending it because my family was never ready and I was too afraid to let them know because I was afraid to disappoint them, that I feel like now is the right time to start getting what I want.

I look around me, and all I see is happy people. On the outside I am smiling and laughing with them, but on he inside my mind and soul looks in from a distance. Take for example tonight, we had a family evening and everyone is on their own buzz, the kids are playing games; the big people chatting about the rugby game we watched; some cousins sitting and talking, and there I was: looking in and watching them. My mind was in another place.

It's not that I want something serious. I just want someone there that I can have alone time with, that I can break away with, that can be there for me. I know some people, especially my family, would argue that they are there for me and that's why I have best friends and so on and so on. But sometimes I just need more than that. I want someone that I can get to know, I want someone that I can go out with, away from the usual faces that I am always seeing. Sometimes we just need more.

I do hope that when I wake up tomorrow morning, I will feel much better. And if I don't then I will have to make another plan to get myself back on track once again!

Paris 2014??

Last night my friend, Alia, and I made a pact to save up enough money so that we can head to Paris!! We would prefer going next year, however, these trips are costly and 2013 is SO close! Thus I think we should either do it end of 2013 or in 2014 :)...#Excitedness

Suddenly my day seems brighter, because I have something to look forward to! Ahh! I am so hungry for this adventure, that I think I need to find me a proper job so that my saving could go faster! But more so, planning a trip like this with my friends is going to be awesome!! We could explore a foreign city on our own! no parental supervision as I will be long over 21 by that time :)

Crazy me, decided to do some research on flights, accommodation and tours! Flights from Cape Town is from R8500, and I also discovered that booking a tour will be much cheaper as tours includes accommodation and other little things, and tour prices starts at R4000.

I really want to do this! Somehow I need to start living my life and what better way to start with Paris!!!

xoxo

Travel?? oh yes!!!

Yesterday, while having dinner with a few of my cousins, an interesting topic came up while deep in conversation. Careers. Reason for this topic arising is that I was, as always, sitting and doing some studying while in the company of my family. Talk about multi-tasking!!

We joked around about what each of our first dream job used to be, where we were in life now, and what each one would become in the future. It was my sister, who blurted out that I in fact wanted to be and Air- Hostess!

Now I did not want to become an air-hostess because I loved the adrenaline of driving on an aeroplane, or the awesome cute little suits with matching neck scarves the ladies wore. No, these people get to see so many amazing places, cities and towns. And my ultimate dream was (and still is) to Travel :)

When I was about 5 or 6 years old my parents bought me a set of books, it included books about animals, plants, the body, sciences, technology, 'mathemagic', nursery rhymes, classic fairytale stories, arts and craft, the History of South Africa, the world, the universe, the dictionary, and my most favourite: The World Atlas Book. I loved this book. I would play games with the book, pretending to be an agent advertising and selling tickets of various cities around the world to tourists. I would learn so much about each of the continents and various cities within the continents, because this wasn't your ordinary little atlas, it was a Picture Atlas and included vast amounts of information on major cities around the globe. This was how my passion for travelling, and hunger for discovering the little wonders of the world came alive. I wanted to see these cities with the naked eye. I wanted to see the architecture, the ancient buildings, experience the interesting and amazing cultures this world has to offer.

Until today, this still is a Top Goal of mine. Funny thing is that I also still have that set of books :) keeping my dream alive. Although I do not play with my atlas any longer, but each time I walk past it and take glance at it, is a reminder of my childhood memories and my future goal that will definitely be achieved. Insha-Allah.


Aspiring Traveler
xoxo Sweetcheeks

p.s Below I have compiled, in no particular order, my Top10 cities  as well as the Top6 wonders  I would like to visit one day, or even settling down in one of them :)

Cities                                                                      
1. Dubai and Abu Dhabi
2. Makkah and Madinah
3. Paris, Rome and Greece
4. Los Angeles
5. Bora Bora
6. New York
7. London
8. San Francisco
9. Barcelona
10. Sydeny

My Wonders still to be experienced
1. Madame Tussauds- Las Vegas
2.  The Grand Canyon- Arizona, United States
3. Taj Mahal- India
4. The Pyramids- Egypt
5. The Great Wall of China
6. Machu Picchu- Peru

Loss of Passion

Recently my Bestfriend and I were speaking about my Dubai situation, one of our almost a dozen topics of conversation in one afternoon. And for me the one thing that really stood out the most, after she left, was that I actually admitted to her that I lost my passion until the Dubai thing.

In one of my previous posts you would have noticed that I have had a huge knock in my life. I stopped studying for just over six months for academic purposes which is basically that I failed big time. This made me lose so much confidence in terms of my future and where I was headed towards next. I was free to do anything yet I decided to stay home, where all I did was sleep, eat, and watch television. I could have gone to work but I didn't. I had so many work opportunities yet I just passed on most of it or my brain would automatically just block it out. 

I was so stressed yet mellow about everything at the same time that the two emotions clashed and in the end nothing seemed as important to me as it would before. And when I opened my eyes, six precious months has passed and I had nothing to show for it, besides the fact that I applied at UNISA to continue my studies at a pace that I am comfortable with.

Then my Dubai ideas came along :) ... now day in and day out all I think about is Dubai. How my life would be there. All the things I would do. The different culture environments I would experience. The things I would  be able to learn over there. About what an awesome opportunity it would be. 

I haven't been this excited about anything in a very very very long time. I haven't been this sure about anything before. I haven't been this crazy to want to move away from family and friends so obviously I am serious about it. 

I feel like the passion I lost, is slowly being found again. 

How about Dubai??!

So this crazy idea popped up in my head one afternoon reading, a book titled Postcards by Rayda Jacobs, : I want to go to DUBAI!

Cray Cray because I will be leaving my friends, family and life behind to start a new temporary life on an entirely different continent.When I told some family members about it, they looked at me as if I was going mad. The most popular responses were : "You? Dubai?", "You're gonna come running home in less than two weeks!", "Your father will never let you go", "How will you be able to cope over there?" and best of all "What about your studies??".

One thing for sure is that I do not make hasty decisions. I lie in bed for a couple of nights thinking things through. I browse the internet for any information that can help in my decision making and I scout for certain responses by certain people in my life before I decide that it's time to let people know what is really going on in this head of mine.

I just feel that I need a getaway for a while. So if I make it a working/studying/travelling experience then I will be having my bread buttered on both sides :) I always wanted to travel and it feels like if I don't get a start at it, then it will never happen. I am almost 21 years of age and I can clean and cook, I am responsible to look after myself. And it's not as if I will be gone for the rest of my life, I just need like a year and I will be back.

I feel like here is not much for me back home, I feel like going away will change my life, change how I see things in life, make me more confident and independent. Because here I am constantly under the wings of my parents and the four walls surrounding me that I feel like a cannot grow as a person.

I guess most of all is that I want the chance to show everybody that think I am still ten years of age, that think that I am still young, vulnerable and soft that I can be independent, I can be strong, I can be away from them only missing them a little, I can make positive changes in my life and that anything is possible if you just believe.

Something New

I have recently had a change of heart concerning my choice of career path.

Since like forever! did I want to become a Chartered Accountant CA (SA), well I think it was in grade 9 when I finally realized that it's what I want to do for the rest of my life. I like being in control of my life, so I like basically had this whole life-plan planned out; from the age that I was going to get married; to possible honeymoon spots; to the amount of kids I will have; to the firm I was going to work. Yes! As any normal girl would have their life planned, mine was just detailed!

Until recently, I am suppose to be going into my 3rd year of studying and I hit rock bottom. 2nd year wasn't all that rosy. I started struggling, yet giving it my all. So basically I did badly. I became somewhat a hater of accounting and I just was (and still is) demotivated from continuing to pursue this particular career path. Some might say that I feel this way just because I did badly but it has been coming on a long way now.

After everything settled in I had a lot of time to think. I began researching different options I had in case I needed to change. And believe me, I do not have that many, as my interests only went as far as accounting! So the next option for me would be Teaching (Education).

Teaching would never have been my first choice, as my mom is a high school teacher and automatically she would want me to teach at high schools too. The thing is, I am not up for that. I know what hell the senior scholars put high school teachers through, as I noticed this daily. So my choice would be to teach the intermediate and senior phases which is grades 4-9. Its not that tough of a job, I can switch from high school to primary school and so on.

I can see myself as a teacher one day. A lot might not know it, but teachers have great perks. They get to leave work earlier than most workforce's, they have weekends off, and school holidays they get to spend it with their children! Since I am so used to having my mother home with me during school holidays, I would never, one day, want to deprive my kids from that feeling!

I will also not be lost with my Teaching Diploma. I know of quite a few people who teach, and later goes to teach in places like Dubai or London! Places where English is spoken but a bit weirdly! So like because South African are so fluent in English and with our word pronunciation, those people practically grabs the opportunities to get us to work for them! And at the same time I will be getting my 'traveling experience's' goal sorted! :)

I just feel so optimistic about this career path! Like I have something to live for again. Something that can make me happy. All in all, this situation I got caught in really made me realize that I should stop wanting to be in control of everything, I must take it as it come and in time I will achieve success in every part of my life!

xX Sweetcheeks