What is wrong with me? I completely went psycho crazy on my sister today for befriending a rugby person whom I might have a little crush on. And not like the "awwh, I like him" crush, but the "his-such-a-damn-good-rugby-player" crush. I know it sounds insane but I don't know what has gotten into me lately. So basically I called dibs right?? Well technically I was the first to see him play and I was the one who told her about him. Now she went and Facebook friend-ed him!!! And apparently he asked her BBM pin or that's what she claims. I'm just like pissed because that was the only little happiness I had to look forward to at rugby and now she's going to take it away, because she is beautiful and obviously he will notice her next time we go and there something that makes me happy just gets ripped away from me again.
It feels like I just cant win. I know life gets tough and all but shit hey this really sucks! Having failure rubbed in your face is not fun. I thought this year was going to be amazing and I would reach new heights but so far its just been so many downs that I cant even keep up any longer. No one will ever understand how I truly feel and all the things I keep bottled up covered by my rehearsed smile.
...
So clearly I have found the culprit. I'm not mad at my sister. My bottle has just overflowed.
Wednesday, May 1, 2013
Friday, April 19, 2013
Am I ridiculous for falling for him??
Today I saw his status, it was a girls name, I FB'd her just to see who she was. I don't even know if his into her, she could be a friend or even a cousin! but I was jealous! This green monster look is not working for me. It's not how I am. I want to cry thinking about it. Thinking about how ridiculous this entire situation is! I wish I could just forget about him. Just turn this page over and not even remember his name. But on the other hand, I want to be with him. I want to go on a date with him. I want to have cute little picnics under the sunset with him. I want to dress up in cute little dresses and go to cute little restaurants with him. I want it all but i want it with him. and I don't know WHY I feel this way!
Today I saw his status, it was a girls name, I FB'd her just to see who she was. I don't even know if his into her, she could be a friend or even a cousin! but I was jealous! This green monster look is not working for me. It's not how I am. I want to cry thinking about it. Thinking about how ridiculous this entire situation is! I wish I could just forget about him. Just turn this page over and not even remember his name. But on the other hand, I want to be with him. I want to go on a date with him. I want to have cute little picnics under the sunset with him. I want to dress up in cute little dresses and go to cute little restaurants with him. I want it all but i want it with him. and I don't know WHY I feel this way!
Wednesday, April 17, 2013
myself and I, we have some straightening out to do
A moment a go I saw his status, something about his friend being in his wedding. I don't know what came over me, even though I know for a fact that it is just a joke, it saddened me. That's when I realized that maybe I do really like him.
I sat there on the sofa, with one teary eye, thinking about what I would do or how I would feel if I discovered that it was actually true. My reaction would be anger, sadness, frustration and regret. Anger for the reason that he is getting married with someone other than me. Sadness because I would have to force my heart to stop liking him. Frustration for all the confused and looks of pity I shall get from my family. And lastly regret, regret that I never took the chance, regret that I wasn't brave enough to just tell him how I feel, regret that I was too much of a wuss to ask him to give me a chance, regret that I've waited too long. If this day is to come, I would most probably disappear for the next two days. I wont cry and show that I am weak. I will pretend, pretend that everything is okay with me, pretend that my life just goes on.
The saddest of all is that I cannot tell anyone about him. I do not want "him again??!!" looks. And long talks about "why's?".. I can't talk to my friends about it because it affects them too. Crazy right? That I guy I wish to date will affect my friends.I know that I will never lose their friendship over this, for that we are too close! I am just scared that they would think differently about me. I value their friendship above all. I just cant help that I have fallen once again for him after two weeks of trying to get myself to stop.
p.s Never stop liking a guy just to not like him anymore. The brain might block it out but the heart will always linger on it.
I sat there on the sofa, with one teary eye, thinking about what I would do or how I would feel if I discovered that it was actually true. My reaction would be anger, sadness, frustration and regret. Anger for the reason that he is getting married with someone other than me. Sadness because I would have to force my heart to stop liking him. Frustration for all the confused and looks of pity I shall get from my family. And lastly regret, regret that I never took the chance, regret that I wasn't brave enough to just tell him how I feel, regret that I was too much of a wuss to ask him to give me a chance, regret that I've waited too long. If this day is to come, I would most probably disappear for the next two days. I wont cry and show that I am weak. I will pretend, pretend that everything is okay with me, pretend that my life just goes on.
The saddest of all is that I cannot tell anyone about him. I do not want "him again??!!" looks. And long talks about "why's?".. I can't talk to my friends about it because it affects them too. Crazy right? That I guy I wish to date will affect my friends.I know that I will never lose their friendship over this, for that we are too close! I am just scared that they would think differently about me. I value their friendship above all. I just cant help that I have fallen once again for him after two weeks of trying to get myself to stop.
p.s Never stop liking a guy just to not like him anymore. The brain might block it out but the heart will always linger on it.
Wednesday, February 13, 2013
no reasonable assurance
Lately I find that I keep thinking about my future. I know right, like who doesn't? Usually I think about a happy future, what I want in life and how I want it to be. Yet lately, I have this pessimistic cloud around me. Like I am so unsure about where I might be two or three years from now. I find myself dwelling on things like: What if I don't finish my degree? What if something so bad happens in my life that destroys my future plans? What if I am aiming too high? I don't know what is the matter with me, but I am usually more optimistic than this. I feel like 18 months is so far away. I feel like there are so many obstacles in my way that I cannot breakdown so that I can finally grab onto my next goal.
Then I think to myself: I have waited 3 years for this. All I can do now is push through this next 18 months. I owe myself that much. But am I really ready? I feel that I am ready. I also feel that others think I am not. So now, my main goal is to prove them wrong, and fight this pessimistic streak I've got going on because it is SO killing my vibe. LOL
Final thought: blogging actually makes me feel good. Getting things down is way better than having to go sleep with it on my mind. Virtual worlds have got its perks :)
Then I think to myself: I have waited 3 years for this. All I can do now is push through this next 18 months. I owe myself that much. But am I really ready? I feel that I am ready. I also feel that others think I am not. So now, my main goal is to prove them wrong, and fight this pessimistic streak I've got going on because it is SO killing my vibe. LOL
Final thought: blogging actually makes me feel good. Getting things down is way better than having to go sleep with it on my mind. Virtual worlds have got its perks :)
Thursday, January 31, 2013
Negativity is such a buzz kill !
What gets me through this world is my love for my religion, my friends and family and my dreams. I feel that if I believe hard enough and strive towards my dreams it will come through.
Unfortunately for me, I live in a household and have a family where tough times have been surrounding them most their life. It's like they just accept that nothing will come, because nothing has come. But it's not like they put much effort into making things happen?? I mean does your dream really just happen?
I've blogged so many times about travel, that of cause its a given that it is MY dream. I know that I don't have the luxuries that many others have, but I KNOW that if I save and keep strong and wait then my time will come. So I like keeping up to date with newest go-to places and cultures around the world. I literally watch Travel Channel and Food Network all day. It just fascinates me how wonderful and vastly different each corner of this world is. And one day I might be able to explore it myself without having to do so through a LCD screen.
But the focal point of this post is that my family is so negative. Like today I try telling my mom about this awesome deal a friend of mine scored for just R 4 500 for 9 days doing a Thai Island Hopper Tour. International tours never come that cheap for us. Well it excludes travel ticket but includes food, transport as well and accommodation! Like for instance, my father just booked a weekend away for R 4 000 just outside the city and that is A nights in you own province! compare the two?? I'd go with the island hopper!! its on a totally different continent and it involves airplanes across the sea! what more can you ask for. Now I did not say I wanted to do the Thailand thing but I was just referring to what a great deal it was and how she, same age as myself, could book it with her parents being on board and supporting her. That's the total opposite of what my family will do, no, instead my sister makes fun of me, making statements about what type of dreamer I am and how I fantasize about things like that.
I am fed up with all this negativity around me. instead of encouraging me, they shooting me down. That is why I am so unhappy here. I do so much, strive to be the perfect daughter but they dont give a rats arse about what might make me happy. They don't care to ask me a bout my dreams and aspirations. Or how I am today. No, I am just good for cleaning their house, fetching their kids, doing everything for them. As long as I can stay here and do that then they are happy!
Unfortunately for me, I live in a household and have a family where tough times have been surrounding them most their life. It's like they just accept that nothing will come, because nothing has come. But it's not like they put much effort into making things happen?? I mean does your dream really just happen?
I've blogged so many times about travel, that of cause its a given that it is MY dream. I know that I don't have the luxuries that many others have, but I KNOW that if I save and keep strong and wait then my time will come. So I like keeping up to date with newest go-to places and cultures around the world. I literally watch Travel Channel and Food Network all day. It just fascinates me how wonderful and vastly different each corner of this world is. And one day I might be able to explore it myself without having to do so through a LCD screen.
But the focal point of this post is that my family is so negative. Like today I try telling my mom about this awesome deal a friend of mine scored for just R 4 500 for 9 days doing a Thai Island Hopper Tour. International tours never come that cheap for us. Well it excludes travel ticket but includes food, transport as well and accommodation! Like for instance, my father just booked a weekend away for R 4 000 just outside the city and that is A nights in you own province! compare the two?? I'd go with the island hopper!! its on a totally different continent and it involves airplanes across the sea! what more can you ask for. Now I did not say I wanted to do the Thailand thing but I was just referring to what a great deal it was and how she, same age as myself, could book it with her parents being on board and supporting her. That's the total opposite of what my family will do, no, instead my sister makes fun of me, making statements about what type of dreamer I am and how I fantasize about things like that.
I am fed up with all this negativity around me. instead of encouraging me, they shooting me down. That is why I am so unhappy here. I do so much, strive to be the perfect daughter but they dont give a rats arse about what might make me happy. They don't care to ask me a bout my dreams and aspirations. Or how I am today. No, I am just good for cleaning their house, fetching their kids, doing everything for them. As long as I can stay here and do that then they are happy!
Friday, January 4, 2013
2013
It's a start of something new.
I hope that my dreams will be fulfilled this year. I hope that I will find my happiness within my academic life as well as social life. My biggest dream for this year is that I end up fulfilling my dream of traveling to Dubai. My friend and I have decided to spend NYE 2014 in Dubai and I truly hope that it happens. Another big goal of mine is fully completing my second year, passing all ten modules, so that i only have one year left before I move off to Dubai permanently.
I believe that I have the courage and ambition to meet all my goals this year. What I need is support from my family and positive feedback and help that will help achieve what is most important in my life right now.
I am happy to say that I feel 2013 shall be a great year for me :)
I hope that my dreams will be fulfilled this year. I hope that I will find my happiness within my academic life as well as social life. My biggest dream for this year is that I end up fulfilling my dream of traveling to Dubai. My friend and I have decided to spend NYE 2014 in Dubai and I truly hope that it happens. Another big goal of mine is fully completing my second year, passing all ten modules, so that i only have one year left before I move off to Dubai permanently.
I believe that I have the courage and ambition to meet all my goals this year. What I need is support from my family and positive feedback and help that will help achieve what is most important in my life right now.
I am happy to say that I feel 2013 shall be a great year for me :)
Tuesday, December 11, 2012
Dreams and Desires?
I have recently been encountering situations whereby people, mostly family members discourage my dreams and desires.
I am proud to say that I am a big dreamer and I desire many things but what I am not is someone who only dreams. I work towards my dreams and desires and strive to make them a reality. My main goal right now is to do international traveling. The only thing holding me back is money. I am not from a wealthy family where I can use and abuse family financials. So my next option is to successfully save any monies I receive until it add ups to the required amount.
I expected people to be happy that I have the courage to save 500 at a time, that I have the strength to save and not spend but every time I put my money away they laugh at me, saying that it's a long shot and I will never reach my goal. What they don't know is that so many peoples goals were achieved by starting this small, all they needed was courage and perseverance and that is what I have. I recently read Richard Branson's autobiography and it motivated me so much that I felt like I was able to do anything I wanted in life.
I believe that I will achieve what I want in life. No one can stop me. Not my parents. Not my family. If traveling is what I want to do then I shall do it. Allah created this world for us to see it so why waste that chance and stay in one place your entire life.
I am proud to say that I am a big dreamer and I desire many things but what I am not is someone who only dreams. I work towards my dreams and desires and strive to make them a reality. My main goal right now is to do international traveling. The only thing holding me back is money. I am not from a wealthy family where I can use and abuse family financials. So my next option is to successfully save any monies I receive until it add ups to the required amount.
I expected people to be happy that I have the courage to save 500 at a time, that I have the strength to save and not spend but every time I put my money away they laugh at me, saying that it's a long shot and I will never reach my goal. What they don't know is that so many peoples goals were achieved by starting this small, all they needed was courage and perseverance and that is what I have. I recently read Richard Branson's autobiography and it motivated me so much that I felt like I was able to do anything I wanted in life.
I believe that I will achieve what I want in life. No one can stop me. Not my parents. Not my family. If traveling is what I want to do then I shall do it. Allah created this world for us to see it so why waste that chance and stay in one place your entire life.
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