Do I move on and forget, or continue and hope?

I recently had a few encounters with an old friend. Lets just say that long ago, I had THE biggest crush on him. That even my best friend tells me that she cant believe that my feelings for him could fade. Now, a few weeks ago, I knew deep down that this was a dangerous thing, I knew that I would easily fall for his charms again, and I did! At the beginning I told myself that I cannot fall for him, whatsoever! Yet, now I cant stop thinking about him. The smallest thing reminds me of him, and I don't want this, or that's what I'm forcing myself to believe.

The thing is that I know that if I continue with this, I will just be more hurt in the end. More damage to my already damaged heart. By now you'd think that my heart will be able to handle situations like these, after being rejected by my true love, but it can't. All it does is just make me despondent towards opening up to the next guy that comes along. And its bad, because now I am left scared and I push guys away.

I am so confused. I don't know what to do?? If only there was a manual for situations like these! It would make life so much easier. My mind is saying don't and my heart is saying go. And I'm stuck between the two arguing with very valid points :(

love sucks!
xx

life's omission's

Lately I have been very down inside. I have trained myself so well to always keep smiling that nowadays not even my own family members know when I'm feeling down. I could say this feeling has been coming on for weeks but I would be lying, it's coming on for months. Every time I will force myself to feel happy and move on, but its taken its toll, and needs to get off my chest and written down. I cannot find the proper words, let alone form a sentence, to correctly describe how I feel. If I think about having to say it aloud, makes me feel crazy. So here it goes: I need someone in my life.

I don't want you to get the wrong idea. I feel like now is the time to have someone in my life. I went through high school and half of varsity without anyone serious and usually ending it because my family was never ready and I was too afraid to let them know because I was afraid to disappoint them, that I feel like now is the right time to start getting what I want.

I look around me, and all I see is happy people. On the outside I am smiling and laughing with them, but on he inside my mind and soul looks in from a distance. Take for example tonight, we had a family evening and everyone is on their own buzz, the kids are playing games; the big people chatting about the rugby game we watched; some cousins sitting and talking, and there I was: looking in and watching them. My mind was in another place.

It's not that I want something serious. I just want someone there that I can have alone time with, that I can break away with, that can be there for me. I know some people, especially my family, would argue that they are there for me and that's why I have best friends and so on and so on. But sometimes I just need more than that. I want someone that I can get to know, I want someone that I can go out with, away from the usual faces that I am always seeing. Sometimes we just need more.

I do hope that when I wake up tomorrow morning, I will feel much better. And if I don't then I will have to make another plan to get myself back on track once again!