Diagnosed with a case of Fear

This evening I completely went off at my 10 year old brother, for something as simple as him doing this bobbing thing with his head.  I screamed at him and his response to me was "I did nothing to you" and a shouted back saying that he knows everything HE does gets on my last nerve!

I turned and continued to dish him a plate of food. When I finally looked at him. That tear almost arriving but not yet there. My heart sank. He did not deserve that. Worst of all is that I could not even open my mouth to say Sorry.

This might sound so cliched  but you see, the problem is not him. It is me.

I look at him and I fear the type of guy he will grow up to be. I see this single guy toying with young girls' emotions and beautiful minds. That's when I realised: I am afraid for who or what he might turn out to be, and because of my own tormented experiences, I automatically assume he will be the same.

It's been 3 years since I've last written anything. A lot has happened. And I mean A LOT. Thankfully everything that occurred made me a different person and I can finally admit that were it not for those mostly 'downs' I would not be the person I am today. I am more driven, more confident and I know what I want in life and nothing can stop me. Well besides a guy that doesn't feel the same. Well I think he doesn't feel the same, yet sends signs that he does feel something. Confusing right? Yeah me too!! It always comes right back to a guy that messes up your positive mindset you had going. HAHA.

SO what am I going to do about this whole 'my brother turning into a douchebag when his in his twenties' fear. Well since I know the heartache of it all and the signs and mannerisms of them all, I strive to, from this point onwards, to steer him in the right direction. Teach him to treat any woman like a queen. To always respect women. To not lie to women (because hey you always get caught, and most of the time us women, because we care for you so dearly, we let it slide and not even inform you that you were just caught out). Most importantly, be open to the woman in his life, tell us your intentions, tell us you like us, we appreciate it even if you tell us you don't like us.

Because damn I'm too old to be playing these foolish games and too old to be making assumptions all the time on whether what you saying ACTUALLY means you like me or not. All we really want is honesty.

Taking Charge

Lately I have been very happy about life. I have this new outlook and a new factor that just brings some zest into my life.

Yes, I have reconnected with an old flame. A few of the comments were "Again?!", "What happened last time?", "Why'd things end first time around?". I am just like whatever I do not need to explain my personal life to you. All I need to know is that I am happiest I've ever been and I see my future looking great! I have grown as a person, he has grown as a person, and even though we've matured separately I feel that we are much more better together now than the last time. Yes we still have the problems with getting the approval from my side of the family, but is that ever going to change? I think not! So this time around I have also changed my attitude to a "i don't give a damn t's my life and I will live with the choices I make". I have kept myself good for 22 years and I think I deserve to be happy and I deserve to choose what makes me happy. And this decision to choose what makes me happy has been the best yet. I feel great that I am going ahead with what I want. Yes my family matters but they do not have the last say anymore. Now I am slowly getting them one by one to accept that I am a grown person who is quite capable of making her own decisions.

I just came to that point where I felt like if I do not start taking charge of my own life and showing them that I can be independent then I will always remain that little ten year old girl they all feel they need to protect. I am taking a stand and I am doing things my way.

Stripped from everything I love, everything that excites me, everything that makes me feel sane ...

I feel like I am living my life in a constant state of depression...

The only thing fueling my existence, my belief in God and my dreams...

With the hopes of one day fulfilling them...

The only thing I look forward to.

Reflection and Evaluation

I feel like I am in a good place right now. I am happy, motivated and inspired.

Today I thought back to about a year and half ago, my life was in such a daze, from dropping out of UCT to having no clue what I was to become one day. Then six months later, some of the darkness disappeared and I found myself back on the straight path to success, with a very long road ahead. Starting at an entirely new institution was daunting and yes I was afraid because I had exactly two and half years left before I'd complete my degree but I was optimistic that I could make a success of it. My biggest constraint was the time it would take to complete my degree: 30 months is a very long time, so much could happen and I felt like I was just never going to reach the end.

Reflecting on where I am presently in life, a year and six months later, I feel so much happier about the route I have taken, I am motivated, inspired and its not an effort to take out my books or start on an assignment, it is like second nature and I'm loving it. Time flew by so fast, I have 18 months left before I can finish this degree and things are looking great. I feel like its all falling into place. And I am certain that by the end of this I will be able to move on to my next step in life. But for now, I have to give this step my all because just like Maslow's need theory, I first need to complete this step before I can complete the rest of my pyramid to success.

Realization...

What is wrong with me?  I completely went psycho crazy on my sister today for befriending a rugby person whom I might have a little crush on. And not like the "awwh, I like him" crush, but the "his-such-a-damn-good-rugby-player" crush. I know it sounds insane but I don't know what has gotten into me lately. So basically I called dibs right?? Well technically I was the first to see him play and I was the one who told her about him. Now she went and Facebook friend-ed him!!! And apparently he asked her BBM pin or that's what she claims. I'm just like pissed because that was the only little happiness I had to look forward to at rugby and now she's going to take it away, because she is beautiful and obviously he will notice her next time we go and there something that makes me happy just gets ripped away from me again.

It feels like I just cant win. I know life gets tough and all but shit hey this really sucks! Having failure rubbed in your face is not fun. I thought this year was going to be amazing and I would reach new heights but so far its just been so many downs that I cant even keep up any longer. No one will ever understand how I truly feel and all the things I keep bottled up covered by my rehearsed smile.

...

So clearly I have found the culprit. I'm not mad at my sister. My bottle has just overflowed.

Am I ridiculous for falling for him??

Today I saw his status, it was a girls name, I FB'd her just to see who she was. I don't even know if his into her, she could be a friend or even a cousin! but I was jealous! This green monster look is not working for me. It's not how I am. I want to cry thinking about it. Thinking about how ridiculous this entire situation is! I wish I could just forget about him. Just turn this page over and not even remember his name. But on the other  hand, I want to be with him. I want to go on a date with him. I want to have cute little picnics under the sunset with him. I want to dress up in cute little dresses and go to cute little restaurants with him. I want it all but i want it with him. and I don't know WHY I feel this way!

myself and I, we have some straightening out to do

A moment a go I saw his status, something about his friend being in his wedding. I don't know what came over me, even though I know for a fact that it is just a joke, it saddened me. That's when I realized that maybe I do really like him.

I sat there on the sofa, with one teary eye, thinking about what I would do or how I would feel if I discovered that it was actually true. My reaction would be anger, sadness, frustration and regret. Anger for the reason that he is getting married with someone other than me. Sadness because I would have to force my heart to stop liking him. Frustration for all the confused and looks of pity I shall get from my family. And lastly regret, regret that I never took the chance, regret that I wasn't brave enough to just tell him how I feel, regret that I was too much of a wuss to ask him to give me a chance, regret that I've waited too long. If this day is to come, I would most probably disappear for the next two days. I wont cry and show that I am weak. I will pretend, pretend that everything is okay with me, pretend that my life just goes on.

The saddest of all is that I cannot tell anyone about him. I do not want "him again??!!" looks. And long talks about "why's?".. I can't talk to my friends about it because it affects them too. Crazy right? That I guy I wish to date will affect my friends.I know that I will never lose their friendship over this, for that we are too close! I am just scared that they would think differently about me. I value their friendship above all. I just cant help that I have fallen once again for him after two weeks of trying to get myself to stop.

p.s Never stop liking a guy just to not like him anymore. The brain might block it out but the heart will always    linger on it.